i try and i try and i try and i try
until
it's okay,
i don't have a heart anymore.
and the songs on repeat don't sound the same.
they morph and they bloom and they bleed into me,
and i care for a minute or two
and i wear down all my erasers
and my words become permanent.
but it's okay,
i don't have a heart anymore.
but then the sky's this color blue like
steel in a storm and
you see me and
i see you and
we swirl and we sing and we sink but
i don't have a heart anymore.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
there are these days.
days where I want to take every song that ever made me cry
and every person that ever made me doubt myself
and every more and every no and every you're not good enough
and i want to put them all in a box
and climb inside.
today is not that day,
tomorrow will not be that day.
maybe the next day,
maybe the day after that.
maybe the day i wake up and you're gone
and i wait and wait and wait and wait
but you never come back.
and i'll get up and i'll go to work and i'll drive my car and i'll smoke my cigarettes and i'll write my stupid nothings.
and i'll tell myself to be strong.
i need to be stronger.
i need to be strongest.
but i'll never be strong enough
to keep from losing you.
if you say a word over and over it loses its meaning.
strong is a funny string of letters.
so are you.
days where I want to take every song that ever made me cry
and every person that ever made me doubt myself
and every more and every no and every you're not good enough
and i want to put them all in a box
and climb inside.
today is not that day,
tomorrow will not be that day.
maybe the next day,
maybe the day after that.
maybe the day i wake up and you're gone
and i wait and wait and wait and wait
but you never come back.
and i'll get up and i'll go to work and i'll drive my car and i'll smoke my cigarettes and i'll write my stupid nothings.
and i'll tell myself to be strong.
i need to be stronger.
i need to be strongest.
but i'll never be strong enough
to keep from losing you.
if you say a word over and over it loses its meaning.
strong is a funny string of letters.
so are you.
Monday, September 14, 2009
cannibal queen
I love you the same I love kitten’s claw deep in cephalic
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts
It hurts
But it’s just so damned cute.
Cute but something moves behind the eyes.
Something viscous. Odious.
Thirsty.
And it tells me it’s sappy and makes me melt.
But sappy is comparing a girl to a flower, or
Telling her that being able to look into her eyes is like having jesus on speed dial.
You are sappy if a thesaurus is the baby dinosaur
That grows up to make your ideas as close to perfect as they can ever be,
coming from such vicious headwater.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts
It hurts
But it’s just so damned cute.
Cute but something moves behind the eyes.
Something viscous. Odious.
Thirsty.
And it tells me it’s sappy and makes me melt.
But sappy is comparing a girl to a flower, or
Telling her that being able to look into her eyes is like having jesus on speed dial.
You are sappy if a thesaurus is the baby dinosaur
That grows up to make your ideas as close to perfect as they can ever be,
coming from such vicious headwater.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Why should i feel sad for what i never had? Nothing equals nothing.
Every night, I drive until I am the horizon.
I try to get lost. I try to lose myself.
The open road like an open book tells me its secrets as i hurtle into oblivion.
But I always manage to end up where I began.
Each night, I try harder not to come back. I'm getting better at it, getting further and further into the dark before I turn around.
I'm terrified that some night, I'll succeed. Some night, I'll find a new place to simultaneously love and hate. To always feel as if there's somewhere else I'm supposed to be.
One night, I'm going to vanish.
It's silly to be terrified of such a wonderful prospect.
I try to get lost. I try to lose myself.
The open road like an open book tells me its secrets as i hurtle into oblivion.
But I always manage to end up where I began.
Each night, I try harder not to come back. I'm getting better at it, getting further and further into the dark before I turn around.
I'm terrified that some night, I'll succeed. Some night, I'll find a new place to simultaneously love and hate. To always feel as if there's somewhere else I'm supposed to be.
One night, I'm going to vanish.
It's silly to be terrified of such a wonderful prospect.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
what a day to be alive, and what a day to realize im not
you know how you have those friends that you're proud of, and then when you make new friends, you want them to meet those other people because you're just so sure that they're amazing, and that nobody could ever not think so, and that maybe you'll look even more awesome to your new friends because your other friends are such fantastically wonderful people?
well maybe that's the longest sentence since the dawn of time, and maybe that's exactly how i feel about all of my friends right now.
:]
i just watched win a date with tad hamilton. and the whole time, i just go god DAMN IT kate bosworth, topher is right fucking there!
i would pick topher.
and then at one part, the bartender says something like, your chances are a whole lot better if you turn in an application. like, if you don't go for it, there's a 0% chance you'll get it. but if you at least put it out there, then there's a 50% chance. and that's a pretty substantial statistical increase, yeah?
but she doesn't say anything about how fucked up and awkward things get if that 50% isn't good enough.
so i'll keep my 0%, thank you very much. and i'll appreciate what i've got and never ask for more.
i just wonder how much of that choice is logical thought and simplicity and gratefulness and how much is just plain fear. and fuck if i don't know that a choice made in fear is rarely a sound one.
well maybe that's the longest sentence since the dawn of time, and maybe that's exactly how i feel about all of my friends right now.
:]
i just watched win a date with tad hamilton. and the whole time, i just go god DAMN IT kate bosworth, topher is right fucking there!
i would pick topher.
and then at one part, the bartender says something like, your chances are a whole lot better if you turn in an application. like, if you don't go for it, there's a 0% chance you'll get it. but if you at least put it out there, then there's a 50% chance. and that's a pretty substantial statistical increase, yeah?
but she doesn't say anything about how fucked up and awkward things get if that 50% isn't good enough.
so i'll keep my 0%, thank you very much. and i'll appreciate what i've got and never ask for more.
i just wonder how much of that choice is logical thought and simplicity and gratefulness and how much is just plain fear. and fuck if i don't know that a choice made in fear is rarely a sound one.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
in the cold light of day, you can't always see what's true
i found some stuff i wrote for the creative writing class i took back when i was actually forcing myself to go to school. there were a few things i dont even remember writing. how weird is that? it's like, writing becomes such an organic process for me that shit just flows out of me and i don't even think about it.
here's one poem i don't remember. it's called Incite Insight. apparently.
These plans are ink
flowing freely, like gutter torrents in April storms,
through flaked picket fences and cracked front doors,
climbing up carnation stems, disturbing plain white suburban delusion,
infecting the petals with urban turmoil,
seeping through the veins of the weak, the poor, the tired, the hungry,
creeping into the off-whites of their searching eyes,
turning them granite black,
cold and solid and unmoving and unfeeling and
capable of great things.
hm. wtf.
oh, and then there was this weird scene-from-a-play thing:
(Setting: library. BOY sits alone at table with loads of books piled on it, taking notes. Empty chair is across the table from him.
(BOY should be wearing plain white oxford shirt, black pants, black tie, nice black shoes. GIRL should be wearing colorful tank top, checkered pants or a tutu or something. Unnatural colored wig. Crazy looking.)
GIRL
(Spinning the empty chair around and sitting on it backwards) Well, what’s a guy like you doing in a library like this, hm? (He ignores her) You looked lonely. And possibly dead. Except your hand was still taking notes. So I thought, hey, if this is some crazy medical miracle, and you died of boredom and your hand just kept on going, writing down line after line of meaningless shit, I better go check it out. I mean, I couldn’t just pass up the opportunity to witness what could quite possibly be the greatest medical anomaly ever to occur in--
BOY
(Glances briefly up at her, and then goes back to scanning a book and taking notes)(cutting her off) God, not now, okay? I’ve got a lot to do. (GIRL picks a book off of one of the stacks, flips through a few pages, tosses it onto another stack with a loud bang) Wait, what are you…? Gah… (She takes another book from a stack and starts to flip through it) Can you maybe not? I’ve got kind of a system going on…
GIRL
Ohhhh, a system! (She keeps flipping through the book. He stares at her, exasperated. She closes the book, looks up at him) Oh, you’ll figure it out. (She tosses the book onto another random stack).
BOY
Okay, really? (sigh) Did you need something? Or are you just trying to sabotage me?
GIRL
I’ll take C, none of the above. You should really consider more open ended questions, you know. You can never really know anybody’s full motives, and trying to condense them into two measly little choices is really kind of--
BOY
(interrupting her) Okay, whatever. Can you go, then?
GIRL
Nahhh. I’m still hoping to witness a medical anomaly. Maybe your brain will implode or something. (picks up another book from the stack) What is all this, anyways?
BOY
I have an accounting final tomorrow.
GIRL
Hm. Looks like a whole lot of bullshit to me.
BOY
Well then stop reading it (tries to take the book out of her hands across the table)
GIRL
(scoots her chair back so she’s out of his reach, reads aloud) “Big Firm seeks soulless, lifeless 20-something with college degree. Must love corporate america…”
BOY
It doesn’t say that…
GIRL
(sarcastic) Oooo, you got me… (tosses the book onto the table) What makes you want to do this shit anyways?
BOY
I don’t know. There’s pretty good money in it I guess.
GIRL
(Raising an eyebrow) Oh, reeeeeeally…. Well, how fantastic for you. (starts flipping through another book) What are you gonna by first, happiness or a Cadillac? (flips through the book for a while) So. Tell me the best day of your life.
BOY
What?
GIRL
The best day of your life in no less than 5 sentences. Go.
BOY
What? No…
GIRL
Why not?
BOY
Be--because… what the hell…
GIRL
Oh, come on. It’ll be fun. Like story time. Wait, your best day involved aliens or secret government projects or something and you’re sworn to secrecy, in which case, you should probably just make something up, ‘cause I wanna hear a stor--
BOY
No, no. I just…I don’t really think I have a best day ever. My whole life’s been the same.
GIRL
…wowwwww. That sucks.
BOY
(long pause, he stares at her while she flips through the book) What is it that you’re looking for, exactly?
GIRL
I don’t know. I don’t… know... (Scans a few pages of the book) Not this. (Adds the book to another stack)
BOY
No, I mean… here. In college. You’ve already seen what success brings… if that‘s not good enough for you, then--.
GIRL
What?
BOY
Well… you’re well off. You’ve got money. You’re rich. Shouldn’t that be enough?
GIRL
(growing angry/flustered) No, no, I‘m not rich. My parents are. For fuck’s sake, man. I am more than a byproduct of my parents’ poor reproductive choices. I am a living being. I have a heart and I breathe and I think. And money isn’t everything to me, okay? Maybe there’s more to life than a picket fence.
BOY
…well, I’m just saying.
GIRL
Saying what?!
BOY
…never mind.
GIRL
(pause)(under breath/aside)Fuck. (longer pause.) What do you want to do with your life?
BOY
Like a job?
GIRL
No. what is your purpose. Your higher calling.
BOY
….so, like a career?
GIRL
(frustrated) No. Fuck, no. your career is not your life. Forget about money and cars and all of this (sweeping gesture to audience). What do you want out of your life. Think.
BOY
(Pause)To be better than my dad.
GIRL
Why?
BOY
I donno. Just gotta prove it I guess.
GIRL
Prove what? That you’re good enough?
BOY
Yeah…well, I mean--
GIRL
(growing more and more animated/angry) Oh, god, jesus, th- (sigh) there you go again, with your, (exasperated sigh)…. Prove it to who?! To them (pointing gesture to audience)?! To these ignorant, superficial assholes?! They don’t give a shit what you do, man! They’re all focused on their dollars and fucking cents! Why are you trynna impress these shapeless faces, these tired SHEEPle!! They’re in their own god damned worlds. Why the hell are you trying to be like that? Like them? (yelling by this point) Just formless in a fucking crowd? You’re like an amoeba, like a fucking slide under a microscope, man, but nobody gives a shit what phase of osmosis you’re in, you’re just… fucking… (quieter) fuck, man, why do you have to prove it to them? Why do you have to prove anything?
BOY
(stares at her and pauses for a long time) My best day ever. My best day ever smelled like tortilla soup and scotch whiskey and cigarettes. The day I left home to come here. My mom wouldn’t talk to me-- she wanted me to stay home forever. Wanted me to be her support. God knows her husband wasn‘t there for her. My dad was… he was drunk. Passed out on the couch with the tv blaring and an ashtray in his lap. My mom, she gave me this look, like, please don’t go. Or maybe it was more like take me with you. Get me out of here. And she looked like if I took one more step away from her, she’d literally fall to pieces. But I walked out that door, and I packed my shit into the car, and I left. And I never looked back.
(HE walks off stage into the audience, leaving HER alone on stage, staring into the crowd, unsure. SHE takes off her wig, turns it over and over in her hands, downcast eyes. SHE turns and exits stage right or left, doesn’t matter, just not into audience. Lights out.)
fuckin weird, man.
here's one poem i don't remember. it's called Incite Insight. apparently.
These plans are ink
flowing freely, like gutter torrents in April storms,
through flaked picket fences and cracked front doors,
climbing up carnation stems, disturbing plain white suburban delusion,
infecting the petals with urban turmoil,
seeping through the veins of the weak, the poor, the tired, the hungry,
creeping into the off-whites of their searching eyes,
turning them granite black,
cold and solid and unmoving and unfeeling and
capable of great things.
hm. wtf.
oh, and then there was this weird scene-from-a-play thing:
(Setting: library. BOY sits alone at table with loads of books piled on it, taking notes. Empty chair is across the table from him.
(BOY should be wearing plain white oxford shirt, black pants, black tie, nice black shoes. GIRL should be wearing colorful tank top, checkered pants or a tutu or something. Unnatural colored wig. Crazy looking.)
GIRL
(Spinning the empty chair around and sitting on it backwards) Well, what’s a guy like you doing in a library like this, hm? (He ignores her) You looked lonely. And possibly dead. Except your hand was still taking notes. So I thought, hey, if this is some crazy medical miracle, and you died of boredom and your hand just kept on going, writing down line after line of meaningless shit, I better go check it out. I mean, I couldn’t just pass up the opportunity to witness what could quite possibly be the greatest medical anomaly ever to occur in--
BOY
(Glances briefly up at her, and then goes back to scanning a book and taking notes)(cutting her off) God, not now, okay? I’ve got a lot to do. (GIRL picks a book off of one of the stacks, flips through a few pages, tosses it onto another stack with a loud bang) Wait, what are you…? Gah… (She takes another book from a stack and starts to flip through it) Can you maybe not? I’ve got kind of a system going on…
GIRL
Ohhhh, a system! (She keeps flipping through the book. He stares at her, exasperated. She closes the book, looks up at him) Oh, you’ll figure it out. (She tosses the book onto another random stack).
BOY
Okay, really? (sigh) Did you need something? Or are you just trying to sabotage me?
GIRL
I’ll take C, none of the above. You should really consider more open ended questions, you know. You can never really know anybody’s full motives, and trying to condense them into two measly little choices is really kind of--
BOY
(interrupting her) Okay, whatever. Can you go, then?
GIRL
Nahhh. I’m still hoping to witness a medical anomaly. Maybe your brain will implode or something. (picks up another book from the stack) What is all this, anyways?
BOY
I have an accounting final tomorrow.
GIRL
Hm. Looks like a whole lot of bullshit to me.
BOY
Well then stop reading it (tries to take the book out of her hands across the table)
GIRL
(scoots her chair back so she’s out of his reach, reads aloud) “Big Firm seeks soulless, lifeless 20-something with college degree. Must love corporate america…”
BOY
It doesn’t say that…
GIRL
(sarcastic) Oooo, you got me… (tosses the book onto the table) What makes you want to do this shit anyways?
BOY
I don’t know. There’s pretty good money in it I guess.
GIRL
(Raising an eyebrow) Oh, reeeeeeally…. Well, how fantastic for you. (starts flipping through another book) What are you gonna by first, happiness or a Cadillac? (flips through the book for a while) So. Tell me the best day of your life.
BOY
What?
GIRL
The best day of your life in no less than 5 sentences. Go.
BOY
What? No…
GIRL
Why not?
BOY
Be--because… what the hell…
GIRL
Oh, come on. It’ll be fun. Like story time. Wait, your best day involved aliens or secret government projects or something and you’re sworn to secrecy, in which case, you should probably just make something up, ‘cause I wanna hear a stor--
BOY
No, no. I just…I don’t really think I have a best day ever. My whole life’s been the same.
GIRL
…wowwwww. That sucks.
BOY
(long pause, he stares at her while she flips through the book) What is it that you’re looking for, exactly?
GIRL
I don’t know. I don’t… know... (Scans a few pages of the book) Not this. (Adds the book to another stack)
BOY
No, I mean… here. In college. You’ve already seen what success brings… if that‘s not good enough for you, then--.
GIRL
What?
BOY
Well… you’re well off. You’ve got money. You’re rich. Shouldn’t that be enough?
GIRL
(growing angry/flustered) No, no, I‘m not rich. My parents are. For fuck’s sake, man. I am more than a byproduct of my parents’ poor reproductive choices. I am a living being. I have a heart and I breathe and I think. And money isn’t everything to me, okay? Maybe there’s more to life than a picket fence.
BOY
…well, I’m just saying.
GIRL
Saying what?!
BOY
…never mind.
GIRL
(pause)(under breath/aside)Fuck. (longer pause.) What do you want to do with your life?
BOY
Like a job?
GIRL
No. what is your purpose. Your higher calling.
BOY
….so, like a career?
GIRL
(frustrated) No. Fuck, no. your career is not your life. Forget about money and cars and all of this (sweeping gesture to audience). What do you want out of your life. Think.
BOY
(Pause)To be better than my dad.
GIRL
Why?
BOY
I donno. Just gotta prove it I guess.
GIRL
Prove what? That you’re good enough?
BOY
Yeah…well, I mean--
GIRL
(growing more and more animated/angry) Oh, god, jesus, th- (sigh) there you go again, with your, (exasperated sigh)…. Prove it to who?! To them (pointing gesture to audience)?! To these ignorant, superficial assholes?! They don’t give a shit what you do, man! They’re all focused on their dollars and fucking cents! Why are you trynna impress these shapeless faces, these tired SHEEPle!! They’re in their own god damned worlds. Why the hell are you trying to be like that? Like them? (yelling by this point) Just formless in a fucking crowd? You’re like an amoeba, like a fucking slide under a microscope, man, but nobody gives a shit what phase of osmosis you’re in, you’re just… fucking… (quieter) fuck, man, why do you have to prove it to them? Why do you have to prove anything?
BOY
(stares at her and pauses for a long time) My best day ever. My best day ever smelled like tortilla soup and scotch whiskey and cigarettes. The day I left home to come here. My mom wouldn’t talk to me-- she wanted me to stay home forever. Wanted me to be her support. God knows her husband wasn‘t there for her. My dad was… he was drunk. Passed out on the couch with the tv blaring and an ashtray in his lap. My mom, she gave me this look, like, please don’t go. Or maybe it was more like take me with you. Get me out of here. And she looked like if I took one more step away from her, she’d literally fall to pieces. But I walked out that door, and I packed my shit into the car, and I left. And I never looked back.
(HE walks off stage into the audience, leaving HER alone on stage, staring into the crowd, unsure. SHE takes off her wig, turns it over and over in her hands, downcast eyes. SHE turns and exits stage right or left, doesn’t matter, just not into audience. Lights out.)
fuckin weird, man.
Friday, May 8, 2009
ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
A lot has happened.
I moved into my apartment. I now own the first actual key I have ever had in my entire life. It’s more powerful than it sounds.
I got demoted at work. Well, kind of. I get to keep my raise, but I’m moving back to service desk. I’ll be working 230-11 Sunday through Thursday. In other words, I make more money while basically keeping my old job and having a set schedule. I’m mad crazy excited.
Some people kind of convinced me that one of my best friends likes me. Hahaha awkwarddddd. But I love that kid to death. And I kind of liked him for a while there too, and I thought I was over it, but now that they’ve put this idea in my head, it’s back in full swing. Oh, the power of suggestion. Haha I wish people would just tell each other how they feel. Always.
My phone finally gave up on life. I never realized how dependent on my phone I was. It’s retarded. So add that and the fact that I don’t have internet in my apartment yet, and you get yuckkkk. Life is so much more difficult without communication.
I talked to my mom for the first time in like a month and my dad for the first time since winter break. So that’s… fun…
And finally, I’ve had to try to help a friend deal with one of the most terrible things anybody can ever go through. And I’m really, really trying to help, but I feel like there’s not much I can do. All I want to do is knock some skulls. But I don’t think that’s really going to fix the situation. I wish I knew what more to say to her. I feel like a broken record trying to make her feel better. But I don’t know what else to do…all I can do is be there for her I guess. I just wish I could fix it.
Hm. I think that’s about it.
I guess “a lot” for me really means “shut the fuck up about your stupid life, Caitlin. Jesus.” haha
I’ve had some legit serious conversations with another friend lately, and I’m SO GLAD for it. He never tells me anything. And I know he needs to unload some of this shit onto somebody, and I feel like he really has nobody to talk to. I could be wrong, but whatever. I’m glad he opened up, even if it was for just a hot second.
On a semi-related note, I don’t know why anybody would want to be in love. I mean yeah, I guess just the pure feeling of being love would be great. But then you bring in human nature and drama and relationships and yada yada and shit gets complicated. I think I’d rather just live my life. Have good friends. Just BE, and not have to worry about when it’s going to end.
People are moving away soon, and I don’t know what I’m going to do without them. I hate losing people :[
Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized how little people tell their friends, family, whoever, that they appreciate them. That they love them. That they need them. So if you’re reading this, just know that I love you and I’m glad to have you in my life. Even if you think you’re not that important to me, you probably are. I appreciate everything you are to me :]
I moved into my apartment. I now own the first actual key I have ever had in my entire life. It’s more powerful than it sounds.
I got demoted at work. Well, kind of. I get to keep my raise, but I’m moving back to service desk. I’ll be working 230-11 Sunday through Thursday. In other words, I make more money while basically keeping my old job and having a set schedule. I’m mad crazy excited.
Some people kind of convinced me that one of my best friends likes me. Hahaha awkwarddddd. But I love that kid to death. And I kind of liked him for a while there too, and I thought I was over it, but now that they’ve put this idea in my head, it’s back in full swing. Oh, the power of suggestion. Haha I wish people would just tell each other how they feel. Always.
My phone finally gave up on life. I never realized how dependent on my phone I was. It’s retarded. So add that and the fact that I don’t have internet in my apartment yet, and you get yuckkkk. Life is so much more difficult without communication.
I talked to my mom for the first time in like a month and my dad for the first time since winter break. So that’s… fun…
And finally, I’ve had to try to help a friend deal with one of the most terrible things anybody can ever go through. And I’m really, really trying to help, but I feel like there’s not much I can do. All I want to do is knock some skulls. But I don’t think that’s really going to fix the situation. I wish I knew what more to say to her. I feel like a broken record trying to make her feel better. But I don’t know what else to do…all I can do is be there for her I guess. I just wish I could fix it.
Hm. I think that’s about it.
I guess “a lot” for me really means “shut the fuck up about your stupid life, Caitlin. Jesus.” haha
I’ve had some legit serious conversations with another friend lately, and I’m SO GLAD for it. He never tells me anything. And I know he needs to unload some of this shit onto somebody, and I feel like he really has nobody to talk to. I could be wrong, but whatever. I’m glad he opened up, even if it was for just a hot second.
On a semi-related note, I don’t know why anybody would want to be in love. I mean yeah, I guess just the pure feeling of being love would be great. But then you bring in human nature and drama and relationships and yada yada and shit gets complicated. I think I’d rather just live my life. Have good friends. Just BE, and not have to worry about when it’s going to end.
People are moving away soon, and I don’t know what I’m going to do without them. I hate losing people :[
Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized how little people tell their friends, family, whoever, that they appreciate them. That they love them. That they need them. So if you’re reading this, just know that I love you and I’m glad to have you in my life. Even if you think you’re not that important to me, you probably are. I appreciate everything you are to me :]
Saturday, April 25, 2009
a terrible start to a terrible story.
let's get drunk and lose discretion.
it's okay, i'm not in love with you anymore.
you'll tell me your problems
and i'll try
ttr,y
tr\ry
try. try
to solve them.
twist and tangle your lies into mine
and
we'll find the ends of our own ropes
and
go our separate ways.
see you on the other side
good night
good luck
good riddance
because there's nothing worse than knowing that you're more important to me than i'll ever be to you
and i'll never be her
and you'll never be him
and and
adn
ann//d
we're not we
we're you and -- me
but i'll pretend in the sunrise that that's fine,
just so the sun will keep climbing and not sink, blushing,
back below infinity.
it's okay, i'm not in love with you anymore.
you'll tell me your problems
and i'll try
ttr,y
tr\ry
try. try
to solve them.
twist and tangle your lies into mine
and
we'll find the ends of our own ropes
and
go our separate ways.
see you on the other side
good night
good luck
good riddance
because there's nothing worse than knowing that you're more important to me than i'll ever be to you
and i'll never be her
and you'll never be him
and and
adn
ann//d
we're not we
we're you and -- me
but i'll pretend in the sunrise that that's fine,
just so the sun will keep climbing and not sink, blushing,
back below infinity.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
we are so fragile... just breakable girls and boys
i got a new tattoo. it is the story of my life in one word.
indeed.
liam called me today to ask me some random question about a carnival in arizona. and then in the background my mom goes "ask her if she's coming home for easter or not." and i was just like...really woman? really? why the FUCK would i come home for easter? i haven't talked to my parents in a fucking month. my mother is convinced that the only reason i'm dropping out of school is to hurt her (because everything i do in my life is about my mother, of course). my dad is drunk and indifferent. why would i want to go home to that? srsly.
all we can do is keep breathing. [this song makes me cry every time]
did you know Kal Penn's character killed himself on House because Kal got a spot on the Obama administration? Assistant Director of the Public Liaison or some shit like that. crazy!!
indeed.
liam called me today to ask me some random question about a carnival in arizona. and then in the background my mom goes "ask her if she's coming home for easter or not." and i was just like...really woman? really? why the FUCK would i come home for easter? i haven't talked to my parents in a fucking month. my mother is convinced that the only reason i'm dropping out of school is to hurt her (because everything i do in my life is about my mother, of course). my dad is drunk and indifferent. why would i want to go home to that? srsly.
all we can do is keep breathing. [this song makes me cry every time]
did you know Kal Penn's character killed himself on House because Kal got a spot on the Obama administration? Assistant Director of the Public Liaison or some shit like that. crazy!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
You know that i've waited all year for you
I came into this with no idea of what to write.
readysetgo, i suppose.
SO this past week has been kind of crazy. I drank a lot of rum, smoked a lot of hookah. Moved some people from the "acquaintance" to the "friend" column. Fun times.
I also got punched in the face by one of my best friends. And i keep making excuses and feeling stupid for being mad about it, even though i think i probably have every right to be mad. so that's been kind of tugging at the edges of my brain the past few days. and that's just made me really confused about a lot of things. so i took a closer look at a bunch of shit in my life, and made a bunch of realizations, and guess what? i decided i couldn't possibly know what love is, so i couldn't possibly be in love with anybody. so i'm feeling better about that now. but i still don't want him to leave in two weeks....
today i got so frustrated that i cried. i think that's happened to me maybe once before. it was ridiculous. i just straight up flipped shit because i couldn't put my goddamn bed together. what the fuck is that!? i think maybe it was just like a culmination of everything this week just hitting me all at once. lamesicles.
i just decided i'm going to break into the room across the hall and fucking trash this kid's sick speakers. i can't stand the walls vibrating anymore. fucing dick.
hmmmmmm what else.
oh i got promoted at work. finally. fuckin shit yo. so i'm super stoked about that. but super depressed that the service desk family's breaking up. i'm moving up front, fabian's leaving, chelsea's leaving soon, steven's leaving soon... :[ sad day.
i hung out with somebody and realized how much my life has changed over the past few years. like serious ups and downs. and i'm so happy with it now, it's ridiculous. i'm just finally settled. like i can have the shittiest day ever, and just go home and listen to a song and be okay with life again. i think dropping out of school, the first thing i've ever really done for ME, has been the greatest thing that's ever happened to me-- at least so far. we'll see, when in a couple of years i'm living in a box on colfax. but for now, i'm fucking high on life and i love it.
i think i know what i want for my next tattoo
indeed.
readysetgo, i suppose.
SO this past week has been kind of crazy. I drank a lot of rum, smoked a lot of hookah. Moved some people from the "acquaintance" to the "friend" column. Fun times.
I also got punched in the face by one of my best friends. And i keep making excuses and feeling stupid for being mad about it, even though i think i probably have every right to be mad. so that's been kind of tugging at the edges of my brain the past few days. and that's just made me really confused about a lot of things. so i took a closer look at a bunch of shit in my life, and made a bunch of realizations, and guess what? i decided i couldn't possibly know what love is, so i couldn't possibly be in love with anybody. so i'm feeling better about that now. but i still don't want him to leave in two weeks....
today i got so frustrated that i cried. i think that's happened to me maybe once before. it was ridiculous. i just straight up flipped shit because i couldn't put my goddamn bed together. what the fuck is that!? i think maybe it was just like a culmination of everything this week just hitting me all at once. lamesicles.
i just decided i'm going to break into the room across the hall and fucking trash this kid's sick speakers. i can't stand the walls vibrating anymore. fucing dick.
hmmmmmm what else.
oh i got promoted at work. finally. fuckin shit yo. so i'm super stoked about that. but super depressed that the service desk family's breaking up. i'm moving up front, fabian's leaving, chelsea's leaving soon, steven's leaving soon... :[ sad day.
i hung out with somebody and realized how much my life has changed over the past few years. like serious ups and downs. and i'm so happy with it now, it's ridiculous. i'm just finally settled. like i can have the shittiest day ever, and just go home and listen to a song and be okay with life again. i think dropping out of school, the first thing i've ever really done for ME, has been the greatest thing that's ever happened to me-- at least so far. we'll see, when in a couple of years i'm living in a box on colfax. but for now, i'm fucking high on life and i love it.
i think i know what i want for my next tattoo
indeed.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Sehnsucht.
remember that secret i posted about wanting to go "home" but not knowing where that was?
my whole life i've just wanted to leave. just fucking go. to tear apart what nearly everyone would recognize as a safe, reasonably sufficient way of life and be...something. anything. anywhere. and i feel like there's somewhere i'm supposed to be, somewhere i'm always trying to get away to. but i don't know what the fuck it is. this is like... the main issue in my life. always. and i've never been able to fully describe it to anyone or make them understand.
well guess what? apparently the Germans are fucking brilliant, because they have a word for this feeling i've had since i can remember.
Sehnsucht is a German word that literally means "longing" or in a wider sense a kind of "intensely missing". However, Sehnsucht is almost impossible to translate adequately and describes a deep emotional state. The stage director and author Georg Tabori called Sehnsucht one of those quasi-mystical terms in German for which there is no satisfactory corresponding term in another language.[1] It is this close relationship (encapsulated in one word) between ardent longing or yearning (das Sehnen) and addiction (die Sucht ) that lurks behind each longing, waiting to turn the feeling into a destructive, self-defeating force.
CS Lewis said that sehnsucht is "that unnameable something, desire for which pierces us like a rapier at the smell of bonfire, the sound of wild ducks flying overhead, the title of The Well at the World's End, the opening lines of "Kubla Khan", the morning cobwebs in late summer, or the noise of falling waves"
So at least i'm not alone. that's a start.
In other news, i've come to realize that everything i'm doing right now is incredibly stupid and will probably end in my demise. Well, that's what i get out of it all when i think within the bounds of normality and social expectation. But fuck that shit, right? Who needs more rules and boundaries and reasons to fit in. This is middle school anymore. I've had such a strong realization about life. ever. All i know now is that I am me and I am free. So i'm going to do what i want to do. I'm going to try and be happy for once in my life. I know I'm young. I know my pre-frontal cortex may not yet be fully formed and that this may lead me to draw hasty conclusions about things and to make bad decisions. The fact that I know all this and i'm still going through with this: does that make me insane? or just incredibly sane for the first time ever?
I just got a phone call an hour ago that tore me apart. Essentially, I am SO happy for someone. But at the same time, I am completely crushed. And that makes me selfish. And that makes me mad at myself. And then i remember how crushed I am and get really fucking melancholy. And then i tell myself I'm being selfish. and then i get mad again. and then sad. It's a vicious cycle.
I didn't think that this many emotions could be caused by one simple phone call. One happy phone call.
I'll get over it. I got over Brian leaving. kind of.
I get over everything.
eventually.
woooooo sad times.
yeah caitlin, great choice of music to invariably churn out a senseless, inexplicable, depressing fucking blog.
Snow Patrol-- Open your Eyes
Brand New-- the boy that blocked his own shot
Elliot Smith-- needle in the hay
Snow Patrol-- run
Sia-- breathe me
Damien Rice-- nine crimes
btw-- did you know Hugh Laurie (Dr. House) has a super posh-sounding English accent?
He's from Oxford. go figure.
my whole life i've just wanted to leave. just fucking go. to tear apart what nearly everyone would recognize as a safe, reasonably sufficient way of life and be...something. anything. anywhere. and i feel like there's somewhere i'm supposed to be, somewhere i'm always trying to get away to. but i don't know what the fuck it is. this is like... the main issue in my life. always. and i've never been able to fully describe it to anyone or make them understand.
well guess what? apparently the Germans are fucking brilliant, because they have a word for this feeling i've had since i can remember.
Sehnsucht is a German word that literally means "longing" or in a wider sense a kind of "intensely missing". However, Sehnsucht is almost impossible to translate adequately and describes a deep emotional state. The stage director and author Georg Tabori called Sehnsucht one of those quasi-mystical terms in German for which there is no satisfactory corresponding term in another language.[1] It is this close relationship (encapsulated in one word) between ardent longing or yearning (das Sehnen) and addiction (die Sucht ) that lurks behind each longing, waiting to turn the feeling into a destructive, self-defeating force.
CS Lewis said that sehnsucht is "that unnameable something, desire for which pierces us like a rapier at the smell of bonfire, the sound of wild ducks flying overhead, the title of The Well at the World's End, the opening lines of "Kubla Khan", the morning cobwebs in late summer, or the noise of falling waves"
So at least i'm not alone. that's a start.
In other news, i've come to realize that everything i'm doing right now is incredibly stupid and will probably end in my demise. Well, that's what i get out of it all when i think within the bounds of normality and social expectation. But fuck that shit, right? Who needs more rules and boundaries and reasons to fit in. This is middle school anymore. I've had such a strong realization about life. ever. All i know now is that I am me and I am free. So i'm going to do what i want to do. I'm going to try and be happy for once in my life. I know I'm young. I know my pre-frontal cortex may not yet be fully formed and that this may lead me to draw hasty conclusions about things and to make bad decisions. The fact that I know all this and i'm still going through with this: does that make me insane? or just incredibly sane for the first time ever?
I just got a phone call an hour ago that tore me apart. Essentially, I am SO happy for someone. But at the same time, I am completely crushed. And that makes me selfish. And that makes me mad at myself. And then i remember how crushed I am and get really fucking melancholy. And then i tell myself I'm being selfish. and then i get mad again. and then sad. It's a vicious cycle.
I didn't think that this many emotions could be caused by one simple phone call. One happy phone call.
I'll get over it. I got over Brian leaving. kind of.
I get over everything.
eventually.
woooooo sad times.
yeah caitlin, great choice of music to invariably churn out a senseless, inexplicable, depressing fucking blog.
Snow Patrol-- Open your Eyes
Brand New-- the boy that blocked his own shot
Elliot Smith-- needle in the hay
Snow Patrol-- run
Sia-- breathe me
Damien Rice-- nine crimes
btw-- did you know Hugh Laurie (Dr. House) has a super posh-sounding English accent?
He's from Oxford. go figure.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.
So that whole "posting secrets every day" thing? yeah, just kidding...
epic fail
anyways
i'm dropping out of school after this semester. for realz, this time. i don't care if i'm not making enough money and have to live on the streets for a hot second-- i'll get something figured out. i just know i can't keep doing this to myself.
i have been so depressed lately. i NEVER get depressed. and realizing that just makes me more depressed. and i can't think of any reason to be depressed except for the fact that i feel immensely trapped in my current situation. i hate school. just straight up have no desire to go. but i'm here, just because that's what society fucking expects. that's what my parents expect. you're supposed to go high school, college, career/marriage, baby. but i don't believe in marriage, and i'm deathly afraid of a nine month ordeal that ends in shelling out a bunch of cash to raise a smelly little pukeball that will eventually hate your guts. so if i'm going to skip those two steps, why not skip everything ELSE i don't believe in too?
i've been reading Into the Wild. If you have no idea what that is, it's essentially a little biography of this amazing boy named Christopher McCandless. He is sick of America's focus on "things"all the time, and straight out of college, he seeks a more Tolstoyan existence, trekking around the country, at first by car, and then on foot, living out his values, following the words of Jack London and Emerson and Thoreau. He believes in the pure values of nature above all, and believes that pure EXPERIENCE is more valuable than anything you could ever own.
he eventually dies in the alaskan wilderness, but that's beside the point.
my point is, he breaks free of societal norms and just fucking LIVES.
that's what i want to do.
on a side note, one person who worked with Chris at McDonalds for a stretch said that Chris hated socks, and fought the management over the fact that socks were a required part of his uniform.
guess what? i hate socks. i get talked to every day at work for not wearing them. but i will never, ever, ever ever ever ever EVER wear them. ever.
coincidence? maybe.
but the second i read that line, i was like, holy shit. it's a sign.
so i'm going to do it. i'm going to do it. i'm going to do it.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."
"The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated."
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation," but i've never been one to fit in.
epic fail
anyways
i'm dropping out of school after this semester. for realz, this time. i don't care if i'm not making enough money and have to live on the streets for a hot second-- i'll get something figured out. i just know i can't keep doing this to myself.
i have been so depressed lately. i NEVER get depressed. and realizing that just makes me more depressed. and i can't think of any reason to be depressed except for the fact that i feel immensely trapped in my current situation. i hate school. just straight up have no desire to go. but i'm here, just because that's what society fucking expects. that's what my parents expect. you're supposed to go high school, college, career/marriage, baby. but i don't believe in marriage, and i'm deathly afraid of a nine month ordeal that ends in shelling out a bunch of cash to raise a smelly little pukeball that will eventually hate your guts. so if i'm going to skip those two steps, why not skip everything ELSE i don't believe in too?
i've been reading Into the Wild. If you have no idea what that is, it's essentially a little biography of this amazing boy named Christopher McCandless. He is sick of America's focus on "things"all the time, and straight out of college, he seeks a more Tolstoyan existence, trekking around the country, at first by car, and then on foot, living out his values, following the words of Jack London and Emerson and Thoreau. He believes in the pure values of nature above all, and believes that pure EXPERIENCE is more valuable than anything you could ever own.
he eventually dies in the alaskan wilderness, but that's beside the point.
my point is, he breaks free of societal norms and just fucking LIVES.
that's what i want to do.
on a side note, one person who worked with Chris at McDonalds for a stretch said that Chris hated socks, and fought the management over the fact that socks were a required part of his uniform.
guess what? i hate socks. i get talked to every day at work for not wearing them. but i will never, ever, ever ever ever ever EVER wear them. ever.
coincidence? maybe.
but the second i read that line, i was like, holy shit. it's a sign.
so i'm going to do it. i'm going to do it. i'm going to do it.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."
"The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated."
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation," but i've never been one to fit in.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
i convinced myself you were gay so i could tell myself how silly it was to be in love with you. i'm pretty sure you really are gay. it doesn't make it any easier.
i lied to you. that secret i heard? it was about you. i wish i could just hear it from you. it probably wouldn't make this any easier. but at least i'd know for sure.
you're a stupid bitch. everything you say makes me cringe. why was i jealous of you for so long?
you ruined a portion of my life. but i'm glad i can move on to better things.
and i feel really, really sorry for you, because i don't think you ever will.
the real reason i didn't let you drive me home that night was because i was afraid i might tell you i love you.
you weren't one of the people on my "4 people i would do anything for" list. i'm sorry i lied to you. but how would you have handled the truth?
i only dated you to try and stop thinking about him. it only made me think about him more.
i'm sorry i said yes.
but you don't have to be such an ass about it now.
i wasn't that drunk. i remember what happened. i'm just too embarrassed to tell anyone. especially you.
i really just want to work at king soopers for the rest of my life.
i hate that being born with some iota of intelligence means i have to apply myself all the fucking time. i didn't choose this.
when i was little, whenever i would get really upset and throw a fit, i would end up closing myself in my closet and wrapping myself in blankets, rocking back and forth and whispering "i want to go home."
i wish i knew now what "home" i had in mind then, because maybe i could go there for real this time.
i believe that both of my parents are alcoholics. how many family book collections include an AA handbook?
three people have told me i'm beautiful.
i've believed one of them.
he also told me he hates me.
i believed him then too. and i've got the scars to prove it.
i lied to you. that secret i heard? it was about you. i wish i could just hear it from you. it probably wouldn't make this any easier. but at least i'd know for sure.
you're a stupid bitch. everything you say makes me cringe. why was i jealous of you for so long?
you ruined a portion of my life. but i'm glad i can move on to better things.
and i feel really, really sorry for you, because i don't think you ever will.
the real reason i didn't let you drive me home that night was because i was afraid i might tell you i love you.
you weren't one of the people on my "4 people i would do anything for" list. i'm sorry i lied to you. but how would you have handled the truth?
i only dated you to try and stop thinking about him. it only made me think about him more.
i'm sorry i said yes.
but you don't have to be such an ass about it now.
i wasn't that drunk. i remember what happened. i'm just too embarrassed to tell anyone. especially you.
i really just want to work at king soopers for the rest of my life.
i hate that being born with some iota of intelligence means i have to apply myself all the fucking time. i didn't choose this.
when i was little, whenever i would get really upset and throw a fit, i would end up closing myself in my closet and wrapping myself in blankets, rocking back and forth and whispering "i want to go home."
i wish i knew now what "home" i had in mind then, because maybe i could go there for real this time.
i believe that both of my parents are alcoholics. how many family book collections include an AA handbook?
three people have told me i'm beautiful.
i've believed one of them.
he also told me he hates me.
i believed him then too. and i've got the scars to prove it.
first post.
i started this so i could post a secret every day.
maybe more than one.
maybe a million.
i gotta get rid of this somehow
maybe more than one.
maybe a million.
i gotta get rid of this somehow
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