Sehnsucht.

remember that secret i posted about wanting to go "home" but not knowing where that was?
my whole life i've just wanted to leave. just fucking go. to tear apart what nearly everyone would recognize as a safe, reasonably sufficient way of life and be...something. anything. anywhere. and i feel like there's somewhere i'm supposed to be, somewhere i'm always trying to get away to. but i don't know what the fuck it is. this is like... the main issue in my life. always. and i've never been able to fully describe it to anyone or make them understand.

well guess what? apparently the Germans are fucking brilliant, because they have a word for this feeling i've had since i can remember.

Sehnsucht is a German word that literally means "longing" or in a wider sense a kind of "intensely missing". However, Sehnsucht is almost impossible to translate adequately and describes a deep emotional state. The stage director and author Georg Tabori called Sehnsucht one of those quasi-mystical terms in German for which there is no satisfactory corresponding term in another language.^[1] It is this close relationship (encapsulated in one word) between ardent longing or yearning (das Sehnen) and addiction (die Sucht ) that lurks behind each longing, waiting to turn the feeling into a destructive, self-defeating force.

CS Lewis said that sehnsucht is "that unnameable something, desire for which pierces us like a rapier at the smell of bonfire, the sound of wild ducks flying overhead, the title of The Well at the World's End, the opening lines of "Kubla Khan", the morning cobwebs in late summer, or the noise of falling waves"


So at least i'm not alone. that's a start.


In other news, i've come to realize that everything i'm doing right now is incredibly stupid and will probably end in my demise. Well, that's what i get out of it all when i think within the bounds of normality and social expectation. But fuck that shit, right? Who needs more rules and boundaries and reasons to fit in. This is middle school anymore. I've had such a strong realization about life. ever. All i know now is that I am me and I am free. So i'm going to do what i want to do. I'm going to try and be happy for once in my life. I know I'm young. I know my pre-frontal cortex may not yet be fully formed and that this may lead me to draw hasty conclusions about things and to make bad decisions. The fact that I know all this and i'm still going through with this: does that make me insane? or just incredibly sane for the first time ever?


I just got a phone call an hour ago that tore me apart. Essentially, I am SO happy for someone. But at the same time, I am completely crushed. And that makes me selfish. And that makes me mad at myself. And then i remember how crushed I am and get really fucking melancholy. And then i tell myself I'm being selfish. and then i get mad again. and then sad. It's a vicious cycle.
I didn't think that this many emotions could be caused by one simple phone call. One happy phone call.
I'll get over it. I got over Brian leaving. kind of.
I get over everything.
eventually.


woooooo sad times.
yeah caitlin, great choice of music to invariably churn out a senseless, inexplicable, depressing fucking blog.

Snow Patrol-- Open your Eyes
Brand New-- the boy that blocked his own shot
Elliot Smith-- needle in the hay
Snow Patrol-- run
Sia-- breathe me
Damien Rice-- nine crimes



btw-- did you know Hugh Laurie (Dr. House) has a super posh-sounding English accent?
He's from Oxford. go figure.