You know that i've waited all year for you

I came into this with no idea of what to write.
readysetgo, i suppose.


SO this past week has been kind of crazy. I drank a lot of rum, smoked a lot of hookah. Moved some people from the "acquaintance" to the "friend" column. Fun times.

I also got punched in the face by one of my best friends. And i keep making excuses and feeling stupid for being mad about it, even though i think i probably have every right to be mad. so that's been kind of tugging at the edges of my brain the past few days. and that's just made me really confused about a lot of things. so i took a closer look at a bunch of shit in my life, and made a bunch of realizations, and guess what? i decided i couldn't possibly know what love is, so i couldn't possibly be in love with anybody. so i'm feeling better about that now. but i still don't want him to leave in two weeks....

today i got so frustrated that i cried. i think that's happened to me maybe once before. it was ridiculous. i just straight up flipped shit because i couldn't put my goddamn bed together. what the fuck is that!? i think maybe it was just like a culmination of everything this week just hitting me all at once. lamesicles.

i just decided i'm going to break into the room across the hall and fucking trash this kid's sick speakers. i can't stand the walls vibrating anymore. fucing dick.

hmmmmmm what else.
oh i got promoted at work. finally. fuckin shit yo. so i'm super stoked about that. but super depressed that the service desk family's breaking up. i'm moving up front, fabian's leaving, chelsea's leaving soon, steven's leaving soon... :[ sad day.

i hung out with somebody and realized how much my life has changed over the past few years. like serious ups and downs. and i'm so happy with it now, it's ridiculous. i'm just finally settled. like i can have the shittiest day ever, and just go home and listen to a song and be okay with life again. i think dropping out of school, the first thing i've ever really done for ME, has been the greatest thing that's ever happened to me-- at least so far. we'll see, when in a couple of years i'm living in a box on colfax. but for now, i'm fucking high on life and i love it.

i think i know what i want for my next tattoo


indeed.

Sehnsucht.

remember that secret i posted about wanting to go "home" but not knowing where that was?
my whole life i've just wanted to leave. just fucking go. to tear apart what nearly everyone would recognize as a safe, reasonably sufficient way of life and be...something. anything. anywhere. and i feel like there's somewhere i'm supposed to be, somewhere i'm always trying to get away to. but i don't know what the fuck it is. this is like... the main issue in my life. always. and i've never been able to fully describe it to anyone or make them understand.

well guess what? apparently the Germans are fucking brilliant, because they have a word for this feeling i've had since i can remember.

Sehnsucht is a German word that literally means "longing" or in a wider sense a kind of "intensely missing". However, Sehnsucht is almost impossible to translate adequately and describes a deep emotional state. The stage director and author Georg Tabori called Sehnsucht one of those quasi-mystical terms in German for which there is no satisfactory corresponding term in another language.^[1] It is this close relationship (encapsulated in one word) between ardent longing or yearning (das Sehnen) and addiction (die Sucht ) that lurks behind each longing, waiting to turn the feeling into a destructive, self-defeating force.

CS Lewis said that sehnsucht is "that unnameable something, desire for which pierces us like a rapier at the smell of bonfire, the sound of wild ducks flying overhead, the title of The Well at the World's End, the opening lines of "Kubla Khan", the morning cobwebs in late summer, or the noise of falling waves"


So at least i'm not alone. that's a start.


In other news, i've come to realize that everything i'm doing right now is incredibly stupid and will probably end in my demise. Well, that's what i get out of it all when i think within the bounds of normality and social expectation. But fuck that shit, right? Who needs more rules and boundaries and reasons to fit in. This is middle school anymore. I've had such a strong realization about life. ever. All i know now is that I am me and I am free. So i'm going to do what i want to do. I'm going to try and be happy for once in my life. I know I'm young. I know my pre-frontal cortex may not yet be fully formed and that this may lead me to draw hasty conclusions about things and to make bad decisions. The fact that I know all this and i'm still going through with this: does that make me insane? or just incredibly sane for the first time ever?


I just got a phone call an hour ago that tore me apart. Essentially, I am SO happy for someone. But at the same time, I am completely crushed. And that makes me selfish. And that makes me mad at myself. And then i remember how crushed I am and get really fucking melancholy. And then i tell myself I'm being selfish. and then i get mad again. and then sad. It's a vicious cycle.
I didn't think that this many emotions could be caused by one simple phone call. One happy phone call.
I'll get over it. I got over Brian leaving. kind of.
I get over everything.
eventually.


woooooo sad times.
yeah caitlin, great choice of music to invariably churn out a senseless, inexplicable, depressing fucking blog.

Snow Patrol-- Open your Eyes
Brand New-- the boy that blocked his own shot
Elliot Smith-- needle in the hay
Snow Patrol-- run
Sia-- breathe me
Damien Rice-- nine crimes



btw-- did you know Hugh Laurie (Dr. House) has a super posh-sounding English accent?
He's from Oxford. go figure.

Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.

So that whole "posting secrets every day" thing? yeah, just kidding...

epic fail


anyways



i'm dropping out of school after this semester. for realz, this time. i don't care if i'm not making enough money and have to live on the streets for a hot second-- i'll get something figured out. i just know i can't keep doing this to myself.
i have been so depressed lately. i NEVER get depressed. and realizing that just makes me more depressed. and i can't think of any reason to be depressed except for the fact that i feel immensely trapped in my current situation. i hate school. just straight up have no desire to go. but i'm here, just because that's what society fucking expects. that's what my parents expect. you're supposed to go high school, college, career/marriage, baby. but i don't believe in marriage, and i'm deathly afraid of a nine month ordeal that ends in shelling out a bunch of cash to raise a smelly little pukeball that will eventually hate your guts. so if i'm going to skip those two steps, why not skip everything ELSE i don't believe in too?

i've been reading Into the Wild. If you have no idea what that is, it's essentially a little biography of this amazing boy named Christopher McCandless. He is sick of America's focus on "things"all the time, and straight out of college, he seeks a more Tolstoyan existence, trekking around the country, at first by car, and then on foot, living out his values, following the words of Jack London and Emerson and Thoreau. He believes in the pure values of nature above all, and believes that pure EXPERIENCE is more valuable than anything you could ever own.
he eventually dies in the alaskan wilderness, but that's beside the point.
my point is, he breaks free of societal norms and just fucking LIVES.
that's what i want to do.
on a side note, one person who worked with Chris at McDonalds for a stretch said that Chris hated socks, and fought the management over the fact that socks were a required part of his uniform.
guess what? i hate socks. i get talked to every day at work for not wearing them. but i will never, ever, ever ever ever ever EVER wear them. ever.
coincidence? maybe.
but the second i read that line, i was like, holy shit. it's a sign.

so i'm going to do it. i'm going to do it. i'm going to do it.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."
"The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated."



"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation," but i've never been one to fit in.

i think you're going to turn out gay. you just don't know it yet.


i don't go back to sleep because i'm lazy. i go back to sleep because i'd rather keep dreaming than face the truth.


some people think i'm a lesbian. trust me, i'm not. if i was, i'd throw it in all of your faces.

i convinced myself you were gay so i could tell myself how silly it was to be in love with you. i'm pretty sure you really are gay. it doesn't make it any easier.


i lied to you. that secret i heard? it was about you. i wish i could just hear it from you. it probably wouldn't make this any easier. but at least i'd know for sure.


you're a stupid bitch. everything you say makes me cringe. why was i jealous of you for so long?
you ruined a portion of my life. but i'm glad i can move on to better things.
and i feel really, really sorry for you, because i don't think you ever will.


the real reason i didn't let you drive me home that night was because i was afraid i might tell you i love you.


you weren't one of the people on my "4 people i would do anything for" list. i'm sorry i lied to you. but how would you have handled the truth?


i only dated you to try and stop thinking about him. it only made me think about him more.
i'm sorry i said yes.
but you don't have to be such an ass about it now.


i wasn't that drunk. i remember what happened. i'm just too embarrassed to tell anyone. especially you.


i really just want to work at king soopers for the rest of my life.
i hate that being born with some iota of intelligence means i have to apply myself all the fucking time. i didn't choose this.


when i was little, whenever i would get really upset and throw a fit, i would end up closing myself in my closet and wrapping myself in blankets, rocking back and forth and whispering "i want to go home."
i wish i knew now what "home" i had in mind then, because maybe i could go there for real this time.


i believe that both of my parents are alcoholics. how many family book collections include an AA handbook?


three people have told me i'm beautiful.
i've believed one of them.
he also told me he hates me.
i believed him then too. and i've got the scars to prove it.

first post.

i started this so i could post a secret every day.
maybe more than one.
maybe a million.


i gotta get rid of this somehow