and to see the fire in your eyes
like the rocky mountains spinning overhead--
great lake swimmers, oceanless, lovelocked,
kept here, our bodies as maps
guiding us to nowhere.
i see what moves beneath them, there:
hidden, shattering, no resolve, no remorse,
just the wind raging through my hair and
sweeping me off of my feet and into your arms.
i want to feel again what you feel.
i want to see again what you see, or
what you saw, maybe, in me, once,
before the world spun too fast, or
perhaps just tilted slightly further into oblivion.
i thought i was over, thought you were under.
thought i was gone, thought you had stayed.
but tumbling and spinning and splayed, i fell
faster than i'd ever been able to build myself up.
i didn't know, had really no idea
how destructible, invisible, broken i could be
until i was face down and drowning
in a shallow pool of someone i no longer knew.

i had to write something.

Sometimes I focus so hard that the glass disappears and I'm between the leaves.
Strange, how I only like them when there's a filter.
They're dying, and so am I, but aren't we all,
and then the sky's this color blue like steel in a storm
and I'm the horizon and I can't ever stop.
Hello? I can't talk now. Not to you.
Because we're not we, we're you and --- me,
and I'm in the trees, just trying
to find my pulse.

i try and i try and i try and i try
until
it's okay,
i don't have a heart anymore.
and the songs on repeat don't sound the same.
they morph and they bloom and they bleed into me,
and i care for a minute or two
and i wear down all my erasers
and my words become permanent.
but it's okay,
i don't have a heart anymore.
but then the sky's this color blue like
steel in a storm and
you see me and
i see you and
we swirl and we sing and we sink but
i don't have a heart anymore.

there are these days.
days where I want to take every song that ever made me cry
and every person that ever made me doubt myself
and every more and every no and every you're not good enough
and i want to put them all in a box
and climb inside.
today is not that day,
tomorrow will not be that day.
maybe the next day,
maybe the day after that.
maybe the day i wake up and you're gone
and i wait and wait and wait and wait
but you never come back.
and i'll get up and i'll go to work and i'll drive my car and i'll smoke my cigarettes and i'll write my stupid nothings.
and i'll tell myself to be strong.
i need to be stronger.
i need to be strongest.
but i'll never be strong enough
to keep from losing you.
if you say a word over and over it loses its meaning.
strong is a funny string of letters.
so are you.

cannibal queen

I love you the same I love kitten’s claw deep in cephalic
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts
It hurts
But it’s just so damned cute.
Cute but something moves behind the eyes.
Something viscous. Odious.
Thirsty.
And it tells me it’s sappy and makes me melt.
But sappy is comparing a girl to a flower, or
Telling her that being able to look into her eyes is like having jesus on speed dial.
You are sappy if a thesaurus is the baby dinosaur
That grows up to make your ideas as close to perfect as they can ever be,
coming from such vicious headwater.

Why should i feel sad for what i never had? Nothing equals nothing.

Every night, I drive until I am the horizon.
I try to get lost. I try to lose myself.
The open road like an open book tells me its secrets as i hurtle into oblivion.
But I always manage to end up where I began.
Each night, I try harder not to come back. I'm getting better at it, getting further and further into the dark before I turn around.
I'm terrified that some night, I'll succeed. Some night, I'll find a new place to simultaneously love and hate. To always feel as if there's somewhere else I'm supposed to be.
One night, I'm going to vanish.
It's silly to be terrified of such a wonderful prospect.

what a day to be alive, and what a day to realize im not

you know how you have those friends that you're proud of, and then when you make new friends, you want them to meet those other people because you're just so sure that they're amazing, and that nobody could ever not think so, and that maybe you'll look even more awesome to your new friends because your other friends are such fantastically wonderful people?


well maybe that's the longest sentence since the dawn of time, and maybe that's exactly how i feel about all of my friends right now.


:]



i just watched win a date with tad hamilton. and the whole time, i just go god DAMN IT kate bosworth, topher is right fucking there!
i would pick topher.
and then at one part, the bartender says something like, your chances are a whole lot better if you turn in an application. like, if you don't go for it, there's a 0% chance you'll get it. but if you at least put it out there, then there's a 50% chance. and that's a pretty substantial statistical increase, yeah?
but she doesn't say anything about how fucked up and awkward things get if that 50% isn't good enough.
so i'll keep my 0%, thank you very much. and i'll appreciate what i've got and never ask for more.
i just wonder how much of that choice is logical thought and simplicity and gratefulness and how much is just plain fear. and fuck if i don't know that a choice made in fear is rarely a sound one.